1. if a vassal is empty, fill it with the appropriate substance.



I opened a new tab to google, what to do if you feel empty inside. But stopped short of it, and opened the blog instead. Not knowing, what to say, what to write, what to think, where to begin, how to frame it, how to let the thoughts run their course, chart their path and unfold on this blank screen. All I can think of, is the next letter, that my fingers are supposed to slam themselves against, and in between I  look up to watch the scree, find the words underlined in red, correct them if the spelling is wrong, correctly punctuate. 

why was I about to google what I was going to google about. Well, there are multiple reasons, I feel lost, and unseen ( something i am not used to, i have always been the center of attention, now i am not  even in anyone's periphery. why? because i am not doing something worthwhile, and thats eating me away, bit by bit. i feel ashamed, and i feel like I have failed.) 

I know its not true, but thats how my mind is rolling right now. Not a good trip, eh? No kidding. 

consider this post, a shout to the void, a call to the universe. I do want to know, why do i feel so empty? what do I lack? Ends? Means? anchor?  substance - knowledge, awareness, desire, passion? what is it, or is it all of it? Myself? 

i remember a version of me, which wanted to do so many things - the current version just wants the day to end so that a new sun can rise and set on its ass, an endless lifeless loop of time simply passing by. I am trying to figure out how and what to do with all this time? where do I channelize it? what rainbow colored unicorns am I supposed to produce out  of it? 

I guess I need that hard talk - remind myself of all the little things that i have ever wanted and think of that big picture - wife, kids, a house with two gardens and an inner verandah. 


and i want to teach children, strengthen women's position, create a difference. 

ok i am too sleepy now, i played a lot with pininterest - hah i do want to live in a certain kind of house, have a certain kind of furniture, listen to soft jazz,,, watch it rain, bitch about the keechad but nevertheless, not that hopeless after all, yay! 


- 
Sanskriti Mahi 
21/10/23 

P.S. happy birthday meghna and god i love Mcspicy chicken and beetroot. 




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