journal

The title does no justice to the current situation. Whichever direction I look towards, there is a fire.  Relationships at home, hanging by a thread. Trust in my husband, well, that's another rabbit hole.  It feels everything is slipping away and something horrible will happen.  But every dark night, even if it's in the poles, do come to an end eventually. All things take time. Look at Maggie, even that takes more than 2 minutes to be ready.  Alas, Life never gets rea

It is true, at this very moment  - I do not face any challenges to achieving whatever I set my mind to.  18.08.25 Except my own brain. The bitch doesn't listen for whatsoever reasons and god it's a menace. 

 no its absolutely true, I am weaving the trap that will  cost me my life at this pace.  what do i need to stop doing? Umm, sabotaging myself. not taking my future, my present seriously at all. idgaf attitude is important, but not if it reaches this level of self-harm.  to do pooora karne se ziyada energy toh hum din kaatne mein laga de rahe, which is again the stupidest thing that i have seen myself do since 106. god why cant i stop.  LOL I just quora-ed and found this: "“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” -Steve Jobs"  i dont think my fire is hot enough to cause iron catastrophe,,,,,,, there is no planetary differentiation happening here. sad reax onli.  challenges -  1. i feel lonely.  - no one to talk to , no one to share. 2. i feel lost - no one guiding me, telling me if i am on the right path or not  3. god...

 long before I appeared for the exam, I knew what the result is going to be, and I already made peace with it. that made the D day least stressful, I showed up and sat through the 4 hours and that was commendable for me at least.  but of course, I dont want it to go in vain. Hence, here I am, laying down on my back, ensuring that I am well rested, sick leave,  taking it all in. SO that once I am up, I am up for the journey ahead as well.  

 its only human to have expectations. That makes life "life"- the sense of fulfillment that follows when things happen as you expect or the sense of despair that fills your stomach as you witness none of your expectations being ever met. That is the high and the lows, giving meaning to each other, giving them their due importance.  The consequences of our choices always catch up. And most of all, the expectations we have of others, they arent obligated by them. Its not their burden to carry.  you made the choice to be not financially independent. you dont get to whine about it now. and relax. you will do everything for you, you arent just ready yet. be kind to yourself and towards others. they dont owe you anything, nor you owe them. 

Ok what an empathetic title....  Let's begin by recalling the only cardinal principle I will ever abide by- "Men may come  and men may go but I go on forever"  Amen!  Hola mi amor! Esta es muy difícil. Yo tengo muchas preguntas. Estoy muy confundido.  Lol kidding. No questions, no confusions. It's all about breathing and taking one moment at a time.  Have done it so many times and yet everytime it feels like it's the first time I am trying to get over someone. That's so lame but so real. Perks and con of Short term memory loss, eh!?  I know I will be fine, it's only human to feel sad and honestly I am glad ki I am actually feeling sad and disappointed, had been an year. Was almost questioning my current mindset? Have I turned into a sociopath? Psychopath? Polymath? Or just plain simple loco? 🤨 Now chalo I am relieved ki dukhi hone ka capacity to hai. Similarly dubara rebuild karne ka bhi hai. Accha isi ko resilience kahte Hain. Ye nahi hua to kuch aur...